The Ultimate Lazy Question

This morning I called my boss and left her a message; I said that I would be unable to be at work because I would be helping my grandmother for most of the day. After lying about spending the day with my dying grandmother (if you ask me, she’s already dead, but that’s a tale for another day) in her nursing home, I hung up the phone and went back to sleep. This has become a typical, if not regular routine. I’m rather happy that my grandmother is stuck in a nursing home; it gives me a reason to occasionally miss work.

I slept in until noon. I didn’t get up because I was getting hungry, but because I needed to shower. It’s August in Columbus, Ohio and that means it’s really effing hot. Especially for those of us who sleep in lofted beds. See, that means I’m higher off the ground and well, heat rises, so I get pretty hot in my bed.

Heat and summer and August aside, I think I made a good decision by staying home today to do nothing. Literally nothing. I did go and get a burrito and a soda to satisfy my glutton and sugar addiction, but that only requires a fifteen minute car ride and a swipe of my credit card. Nothing too difficult there. As I was munching on my burrito and watching some show that I downloaded, I realized that if I had all the wealth and power in the world, my day would not have been any different. That was the first epiphany of the lazy day.

The movie Office Space may ring a bell here; however, I think I fall on a deeper level than Ron Livingston. At the end of the movie, Peter was actually doing something. I, on the other hand, don’t want to do anything. Ever. The challenge behind this quest is that while I don’t want to do anything, I still want to get paid; I still want to make money. Rent and bills still need to be paid, there are some video games that need to be purchased, and a car may need to be bought in the future. So the ultimate question becomes: How do I do nothing and still make money? Humans have been seeking this answer for decades, maybe even centuries and I want to find the answer. I think it’s a lot harder to be lazy than what it seems. The ground work must be laid for laziness to occur and that ground work is costly, time-consuming, and difficult.

In the end, if done correctly, it must be worth it. Look at me; I’m already wondering if I can do the same thing tomorrow morning. It would be stupid to try, but my mind is already wandering there. It wants to stay home, sleep until one or two in the afternoon, and then play video games and watch movies or read and maybe type some stupid soliloquy about life. Today has been a good, lazy day. Unfortunately, I can’t repeat it yet. I still don’t know the answer to the ultimate lazy question. I’ll keep looking though.

And why is it so effing hot in August. Rhetorical question there. Doesn’t change anything. It’s still hot and I hate summer. The perfect solution for hot summer nights is a long, cold shower where I can shiver and think and pray. Yes, I actually pray all the time in the shower. Plus, the shower is a great place to begin another day of August. If there is one piece of truth out of this entire collection of bits and bytes, it’s that I will never name my daughter after this cursed, hellish month.